Subject: Mario, what the cock are you doing here?!?
From: Londradical
To: Miss Welby
Sent: Thursday 19 July 2007 11.13

- Mario, what the cock are you doing here?!?

I asked him holding my rapidly dis-erecting penis in the right hand. When I was a teenager, for some unknown reason I used to masturbate with my left hand, in spite of being right-handed. As a result, my beautifully circumcised organ grew slightly bendy towards the right. Since the day I realised that, understandably horrified, I switched to the right hand. It did not get straight, it’s still almost unnoticeably bendy, but at least it didn’t get worse. It’s funny how a left-handed friend of mine conversely used to pleasure himself with his right hand, and ended up with his willy remarkably bent to the left. I have no explanation for this phenomenon and I am certainly not going to attach any political relevance to it. Actually, the whole wanking thing is scarcely relevant to my friend’s surprising visit.

- Longa storia

he replies, which needs no translation, as long as you are not a pedant pointing out that a long story translates into lunga, not longa. You are wrong, for Mario is from North-East Italy where they say longa, not lunga, ah ah. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Mario is barely recognisable. Normally a very handsome chap looking ten years younger than his 45, slim and tall, his hair impeccably black, his teeth perfectly white and his skin the right shade of sun tan, he’s now looking as he hasn’t slept and shaved for a couple of days, wearing creased clothes in sharp contrast with his usual sense of Italian casual-smart fashion. I recover my intimate possessions in a pair of sloppy trousers and enquire in modern English:

- Whassup, Mario?

- I’m in the shit up to my neck

- Shot of single malt?

- Make it double

- The shot or the malt?

- Both

- You look awful. What happens?

- Michel, I killed a man