NyLon! - CHAPTER 11

As a good party secretary holding into account the opinions of the members, Crapazzoni wishes to know the new Londoners. This worries me: I certainly cannot introduce to him the Bulgarian girls, whom to his question “How have you known the radicals and what to in particular has attracted you about of the depth of my thought?” they would honestly answer “You distribute tourist visas in the unlucky countries, that's coooool! – and the striking in chorus on the double-decker bus upper floor - we wanna wee, wanna wee weeee wee!”, that is the drunkards need to urinate, but Crapazzoni could instead understand that they want to win, and that would horrify him as it is well-known as the last of his its priorities, the one he would go long lenghts in order avoiding carefully to win anything at all, nor an election neither a referendum. In order to avoid any misunderstanding, the time has come to full-immerge him in a course of modern English, therefore instead of the Bulgarians I introduce him the friendly Gary, whom we know coming from the north.

- Hi meit, me Gary meself, wass yar neim?

- Me Capezz-1.exe in DOS, speilt CrapazzOne in Windows, CapezzUn in Lombard and French, CapezzEin in German…

- Fock da Frogs an' da Krauts, ya speik Inglish, dass greit! Ya fock meiny Itolien weiman, da ya, reit?

- Well, nat exoctley weiman. Bot, aye, Itoliens dai eir, dass fo shur

- Fockin hell, ya reily greit, meit. Ya speigeti, meindolaino, keizo douro, faika streighta i iuna bleats saigeiritei, eh?

- Well, actually, I don't smoke…

- Wass op wid ya meit, heiv or fockin joint, heird stoff Andrea brogt deirictley fro Eimsteirdamn, damn!

- I vehemently take exception at the way such a friendly exchange of opinions between fellow party members is insanely depicted in this novel, whereas my stance on the subject has always been adamantly…

- O Crapazzò, ya greit meit, stop da bollsheit an' less go dawn da pob widda lassies an' geit fockin pissed an' heiv greit fock toneit, eh eh!

- Arrggghhhh, me wanna go beik to Rome reit naow!

Aside the cultural shock in encountering Gary, Crapazzoni left very impressed by his visit to London, so much that it has promised to co-opt me in the executive committee of Italian radicals. However, in order to justify this umpteenth abuse of power in contempt to the will of the sovereign members, known as democraticism in radicalese, I will have to pass the so called Tosoni test of radicality, from the name of its inventor Nicolino Stope Mulinger Tosoni da Clauzetto. Crapazzoni embarks the plane leaving me a week time week to complete the test, consisting in five questions.

A) How is defined in radicalese an umpteenth abuse of power in contempt to the sovereign will of the members?

B) This question concerns the death PENNAlty. Since Cain introduced the PENNA (Politically Eternal Necrophilia in Naming the Associations), how many dead people are the radical associations devoted to?

C) Answer with the same number to the questions: How many minutes of combat in war add among them in total the warlords in the American administration Karl Rove, Richard Pearls, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Daniel Crapazzoni and same the Bush? Indicate the number of managers and employees of the Pentagon and Crapazzoni have relatives among the American soldiers in Iraq and number of coffins returning from Iraq which the Bush administration Bush and Crapazzoni himself have allowed to photograph (incidentally coinciding with the number of funerals to which Bush and Crapazzoni have taken part). Indicate moreover the number of vaccines and anti-bacteriological drugs developed and introduced by the American administration and Crapazzoni since September 11, 2001. Furthermore, indicate also how many times Bush has mentioned environmental (global warming, pollution of air and water, Crapazzoni…) in his last speech on the State of the Union, and how many enviromentalists and Crapazzoni had been able to participate to the Dick Cheney’s task force on the energy, and finally how much species in extinction (except for Crapazzoni) have been recognized as such by the Bush administration during his entire presidency.

D) How many radicals do you need to change a light bulb?

E) Identify the unique radical faggot author of the sentence “the typically bizantine diatribe of the Ecumenical Councils of the fetid Italiotic Papal Republic are nothing in comparison to the surreptitious theology by this Sub-species of Homo Sapiens Sapiens who in his ontic egodyscrasia since the day before yesterday does nothing else than untie those little neurons, yet out of service inside his neopallium, having him exclusively functioning the archeopallium only, ammanning us with such highest and farthest ivory tower of the taleologic interpretation of Pindaric suburra’s slum ironies!”

To all the first four questions, I easily find the answers in the forum of the radical website. Respectively democraticism, thirteen, zero and Pannella: enough that he firmly holds the light bulb while the world turns around him. But the fifth is difficult indeed, if not impossible. Probably draft by Pannella himself, but after having spent days and nights reading him and listening to him on Radio radicale I hadn’t yet found trace of the scholarly sentence, not to mention that I was going mad in trying of close his parenthesis (he always closed one less than he opened. I cursed the Tosoni author of that very hard test and decided that I was in need of help. It was necessary the advice of a radicologist, that in politics is somehow what a trichologist is for a bald men. Who better than that Mauro, author of the controversial pamphlet on Italian radicals? I took advantage of a fugace presence fugace in order to risk an audacious rhyme.